1 Timothy 4:10

A woman in Massachusetts committed suicide this week just over an hour prior to a scheduled auction for her home. She was losing her home and could not handle the stress of it. Although she was married, she was responsible for handling the family’s finances. She didn’t share the money troubles or pending foreclosure with anyone – not even her husband.

My mother, after nearly 30 years of being completely financially dependent upon her husband, lost him in 1996 to cancer. A few months later her youngest daughter (my sister) was given a life sentence for forging a check for $146 under California’s Three Strikes Law. Shortly thereafter, she lost her best friend (my grandmother) to Alzheimer’s disease. Later that year she lost her daughter (me) to marriage to a man that she despised. (With good reason.)

Feeling alone, frightened and hopeless my mother committed suicide in Februrary 1998. The Massachusetts woman’s story reminded me of my mother’s story because, like her, my mother did not share her stress, her loneliness, her worries, her fears, nor her financial troubles with anyone.

Also like the Massachusetts woman, my mother told us all about the things that pushed her into that hopeless state in her suicide note. We found out too late.

People say that suicide is a selfish act. I suppose I understand that assessment but I have never thought of it that way. It just saddens me. It saddens me that they felt no hope.

No matter how difficult or unbearable or bleak things may feel, we always have hope when we have Christ. More than anything I regret that I did not have the opportunity to help my mother understand or to feel His hope.

1 Timothy 4:10 -- "For it is for this we labor and strive, because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of believers".

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day, so this morning I started thinking about the origin of Memorial Day. (I really do love the Internet!) The US started celebrating Memorial Day shortly after the Civil War to remember those who died in the war, as well as those who survived. A few years later, it was expanded to include not only veterans of all wars (casualties and survivors) but it was to also be a time to remember deceased loved ones.

So, today I decided that I will celebrate Memorial Day in two ways. The first is that I want to remember loved ones who impacted my life in positive ways. These are people that I continue to miss terribly and of whom I have very fond memories. They are:
1. My mother – committed suicide in February 1998.
2. My grandmother – died of Alzheimer’s disease in January 1997.
3. My step-father (who was the only father I ever knew) – died of cancer in June 1996.
4. My dear friend Viv – died of cancer in May 2002.

Secondly, as I think about the word “memorial” it takes me to the word “remember”. And whenever I think of “remembering” something the thing that stands out in my mind is the number of times that God admonishes us to “remember” in the Bible. I pulled out my concordance and counted the word “remember” 148 times. Clearly God really wanted to drill the point home that we must never forget what He has done and what He continues to do for us. He had to tell that to the Children of Israel dozens of time.

With that said, also today, in spite of anything and everything else going on in my life – I will remember all that God has done for me. Memorial Day 2008 has me in praise mode. Thank you Lord – I will remember!

Mother's Day Corsages

Having lost two of the most important women in my life (my mother and grandmother) in the late 1990’s, Mother’s Day is one of those “holidays” I wish I could fast forward through.


As a child, I remember going to church and getting a red carnation corsage on Mother’s Day. A red corsage meant that your mother was living and a white one meant that your mother was deceased. Apparently you were to receive a yellow corsage if you had lost a child but my church never went that far.


Because my mother was living at the time, I never gave my red corsage much thought. However, many years later, on the first Mother’s Day after my mother’s suicide, I went to church and was given a white carnation. I burst into tears on the spot. How sad and embarrassing to be “singled out” that way.


I immediately went back to my first memories of the red vs. white corsages and felt sadness for all the prior recipients of white corsages.


So, now I think I’d just rather not wear a corsage at all. Or, maybe this year I’ll wear an orange one. After all, orange is my favorite color. I just don’t want that white corsage distinction. I don’t want people to wonder what happened to my mother. I don’t want the people with red corsages to feel guilty looking at my white one.


Who in the world came up with that tradition anyway? B and L – are you “listening”? Mom wants orange.